May we have something to give up and gain in our marriage.
when faced with marital difficulties, many people will think about a question:
is it time to improve, maintain the relationship, or start a new relationship?
but many people do not know that the result of a relationship is actually the result of their own and each other's joint action.
sometimes, if you do not make some changes, no matter how many people change, you will not be able to change the direction of the outcome.
A good marriage must go through these three times of "giving up" in order to go on steadily and for a long time.
give up the illusion of a perfect marriage
We all look forward to our marriage and our partner more or less:
look forward to the care of the husband, the understanding and support of the wife, and the old age of the husband and wife.
but reality often doesn't work out.
usually at this time, people will fall into the mood of disappointment and regret, thinking that the relationship is wrong.
but when someone changes and starts all over again, the result is the same: disappointment.
in fact, most of the time, it is not that the partner is not satisfactory, but that his or her expectations are too high. The relationship will come to an end when the partner cannot meet their expectations and we cannot accept their imperfections.
it is written in "intimacy" by Christopher Meng:
"the road to hell is paved with expectations. Because expectation will keep out loving feelings such as acceptance and freedom. "
if I can't accept others as they are, or don't let them go their own way, then I don't really love them, but I just want to be satisfied with them.
build an intimate relationship under this expectation, not for love, but to meet your own needs.
if you want a long-term marriage, the most important thing is to maintain low expectations and high tolerance.
some people will say that their partner is not up to expectations, so why don't we just let each other change?
Christopher shares a short story about this in his book.
when he was young, he wanted his partner to be gentle, mature, generous and beautiful.
he searched hard for a long time, but could not find such a perfect woman.
so he decided to find a potential candidate and transform her.
he asked the girl to read a lot of books and wanted her to be knowledgeable; he asked the girl to go to the gym and wanted her to have a perfect figure; he also tried to change the girl's character and wanted her to be gentle and considerate forever.
of course, as expected, the girl did not become what he wanted, and the relationship broke up in a quarrel.
A partner never exists to satisfy our fantasies. If a person only clings to fantasies, then he loves only fantasies, not the real person in front of him.
I understand that returning from fantasy to reality must have varying degrees of frustration, but if you always maintain high expectations, you will only break your happiness again and again.
because that's the way it is: you'll never find the perfect partner.
Hu Yinmeng once said in the incredible of Life:
"if you want to maintain an emotion, the less you expect, the better. If you have no expectations, you can love unconditionally."
in front of your partner, say less "I love you, what do I want you to do";
tell yourself: "that's what you are. I love you."
give up flattery and be who you really are
in marriage, many people are used to pleasing others for fear that they are not good enough, that they do not like them, and that they always put their feelings first, even if it makes them uncomfortable.
this kind of "ingratiating personality" is always "sacrificing oneself to fulfill others".
always suppress your true feelings, do not refuse other people's demands on yourself, and protect yourself from injury by pandering to others.
they camouflage themselves and play a role that each other will like, but their true self is also covered up.
but it is precisely this kind of flattering behavior that has become the trigger for the disintegration of a relationship.
an American marriage mediator once said that in a large number of cases she came into contact with, she found that in an intimate relationship, what she gave up to forget me was basically the end of being broken up or cheated on.
this reminds me of Zhang Zhizhi in Dear myself.
Zhang Zhizhi's husband Liu Yang works as a shopkeeper at home and does nothing but watch TV when he comes home every day. Zhang Zhizhi comes home late and sees a pool of dirty bowls and chopsticks.
to treat her husband, Zhang Zhizhi can be said to be humble to the dust. As long as Liu Yang is a little unhappy, she has to make amends and please him.
she pays again and again for her family and her husband, but in the end she gets her husband's infidelity.
is always habitually ingratiating because he wants to be recognized by others.
if you don't get recognition, you will be very painful and lack of self-confidence.
like Zhang Zhizhi, she wants the love of her husband and the warmth of her family.
gradually, they get used to giving priority to each other and always focus on each other. For fear of not being recognized, afraid of getting hurt in the marriage.
but relationships are all about equality, when yourWhen you give far more than the other person needs, or when the other person does not have the ability to respond to yours, the energy between you will be out of balance.
but no matter how much you love someone, don't lose yourself.
Bi Shumin once said, "our lives do not exist because we are liked by others."
We can't satisfy everyone, so please at least follow your heart, accept yourself, and make yourself satisfied.
the person who really loves you doesn't love you just because you have done something that makes him dissatisfied.
but the person who doesn't love you, no matter how many things you do to please him, he still won't love you.
so you don't have to please anyone, you don't have to be the "perfect character" in the eyes of others, because your true self is far more important than perfection.
give up persistence and know how to give in
I think of a Weibo I saw before.
A friend of the blogger quarreled with her husband for two days over a kettle. She said the kettle was pink and her husband said it was beige.
netizens have obviously experienced this kind of scene, and can't help but restore the scene of the quarrel:
"when I say pink, he has to work against me!" It wasn't like this at all, but he just didn't love me! "
"this is beige. You have to lie with your eyes open. Would you please stop!" If you do this all day long, who can stand it? forget about divorce! "
many couples can't get a result in a quarrel, basically trying to prove that I'm right and you're wrong.
because the wrong person should be held responsible, while the right person can stand on the commanding heights and naturally blame others.
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but in an intimate relationship, insisting that you are right can be very damaging to the relationship.
because as long as you put yourself in the right place, the other person must be wrong.
A Xue, a former colleague, was divorced some time ago. she was sad and angry, so she came to me and cried:
"I quarreled with him over a trivial matter. Obviously, he was wrong. I told others the story, and they also said it was his fault, but he just refused to admit it!" And divorce me! "
I asked her, "Why does he want a divorce so much?"
A Xue said: "he said that he thought he was wrong everywhere with me, so he wanted to find someone who could think he was right."
you see, in a couple's quarrel, constantly blaming each other will make each other very frustrated, but also deal a blow to the partner's self-esteem and sense of value, which is the key to the collapse of the relationship.
in fact, where is there so much black and white between husband and wife, right and wrong?
what does it matter if you say a kettle is pink or beige?
you say a little contradiction, both sides have their own ideas, who is right and who is wrong, what can be done?
in the face of small frictions in life, take a step back and let the other person have a good feeling even if you don't admit your mistake.
fighting for right or wrong in a relationship will never make the other person love you more.
therefore, when you are with a loved one, you must know how to advance and retreat at the right time. Only in this way can you get along with each other without tiredness, get along with each other for a long time, and have a long relationship.
Marriage is a practice of giving up and getting.
if we lose the passion and halo when we are passionately in love, we can't help but find not so beautiful folds in our lives.
but whether we can accept this imperfection depends on the way we treat our marriage, our partners and ourselves.
A good marriage should find a way to get along with each other, find the true self, and balance the gap between ideal and reality in the midst of mediocrity and disturbance.
the most reassuring thing in the world is that you are accompanied by three meals in the four seasons and work hand in hand to grow old.